i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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