Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
