omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
