apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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