the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
