I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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