I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
