Jerry, you need to find god
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
