If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize