Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
