Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
