I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
