I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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