I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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