my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
