Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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