your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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