I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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