During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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