party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
