I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
