Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
