Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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