literally had 100 drinks last night.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
