i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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