At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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