he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize