You smell like a Billy Joel song
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
