I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
ok first of all what the fuck
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
