thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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