Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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