She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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