Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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