did you get engaged???
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
