Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize