i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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