they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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