I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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