so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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