Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the condom got lost in my hair
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize