The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
