While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
