He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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