She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
