The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize