Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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