life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
