peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
