Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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