This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
