Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
