God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
