It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
