I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize