Your tits are I can't wait for
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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