Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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