Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
