it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
