Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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