It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
