plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
my liver is dry heaving
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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