I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
