please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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