I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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