Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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