you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
