I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize