My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think my moral compass just broke
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
