She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
