I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Holy shit dude........stairs
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
