I didn't shave. On purpose
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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